Post 2
I will be commenting on Alan's letters and Jenna's resumes
Alan's Letter 1
I think that this letter is good overall, and there are only a few small changes that I would suggest. One of the first things that I noticed when I read this was the contraction near the end ("what's"), which I would suggest changing to "what is". When writing professionally, contractions usually are not used when two whole words could be used in the same place. Other than that, I would suggest making the letter a little more concise, and drop some of the unnecessary adjectives from the letter.
Alan's Thank-You Letter
This one concise, which is good. It conveys Alan's gratitude without going overboard. The seconds sentence in this letter sounds a little awkward to me, so the only thing I would change in this letter is to rephrase that sentence. I would suggest replacing the phrase "it makes me feel good to know" with something different, like "It's good to know" or "I'm glad to know."
Jenna Resume 1
I believe that the information about scholarships which you included in the "Education" section would be better in a different category, like "Honors." The education section should focus on what schools you have attended and what type of degrees you have earned. Also, I think the list of duties that you performed should be bulleted (which they may have been orignally - blogging doea weird stuff to formatting sometimes). I do like the way you started out your description of each duty with an action word to capture the attention of the reader.
Jenna Resume 2
The duties that you performed in precious jobs should not be listed in sentence form. The way this is written, they look like sentence fragments instead of just a list. For this job, I would suggest listing some specific classes in your "Special Skills and Activities" section that are important to neurology. I like the way you showed your leadership abilities in the "Employment Experience" section as well, by saying that you had been promoted twice within a short period of time, and eventually reached the position of captain.
Alan's Letter 1
I think that this letter is good overall, and there are only a few small changes that I would suggest. One of the first things that I noticed when I read this was the contraction near the end ("what's"), which I would suggest changing to "what is". When writing professionally, contractions usually are not used when two whole words could be used in the same place. Other than that, I would suggest making the letter a little more concise, and drop some of the unnecessary adjectives from the letter.
Alan's Thank-You Letter
This one concise, which is good. It conveys Alan's gratitude without going overboard. The seconds sentence in this letter sounds a little awkward to me, so the only thing I would change in this letter is to rephrase that sentence. I would suggest replacing the phrase "it makes me feel good to know" with something different, like "It's good to know" or "I'm glad to know."
Jenna Resume 1
I believe that the information about scholarships which you included in the "Education" section would be better in a different category, like "Honors." The education section should focus on what schools you have attended and what type of degrees you have earned. Also, I think the list of duties that you performed should be bulleted (which they may have been orignally - blogging doea weird stuff to formatting sometimes). I do like the way you started out your description of each duty with an action word to capture the attention of the reader.
Jenna Resume 2
The duties that you performed in precious jobs should not be listed in sentence form. The way this is written, they look like sentence fragments instead of just a list. For this job, I would suggest listing some specific classes in your "Special Skills and Activities" section that are important to neurology. I like the way you showed your leadership abilities in the "Employment Experience" section as well, by saying that you had been promoted twice within a short period of time, and eventually reached the position of captain.
posted by Emma Borders at 6/13/2008 08:38:00 PM
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